The Miss E Of Worlds Most Hated (E's for Eerie, not Elated)

I cannot even express how excited I am! My faaaaaaaaaavorite author ever is a man named Hart D. Fisher. He CHANGED my life. When I was..... maybe about 14, I picked up his book 'Poems for the Dead'. I originally intended to give it to my boyfriend at the time for Christmas but I bought it a few months in advance and ended up forgetting I ever bought it. (I gave him a replica sword and a book about witch hunting in Europe instead, if you're wondering.) I found 'Poems for the Dead' still in its plastic wrapping, smelling of Hot Topic, buried in a pile of semi-clean laundry and thought 'eh, I need something to read...'

It changed my life. My actual, entire life. If you look on the networking website I won't mention, under my heroes, he is the first one mentioned. I stayed up all night and read this book then I read it again then I wrote down one of his poems in my math notebook (which I still ahve to this day and is my prized possession) then I went INSANE. Honest to god insane. I started writing poem after poem after poem after poem after poem after poem after poem after poem... I didn't stop. For years. YEARS. The word vomit... the notebooks and notebooks I filled with twisted words and the emotions that ruled me as a child.

I cannot even explain it. But this man changed my life. Changed it. Poems for the Dead and Still Dead ruled my life and my pen for over a decade. When Poems for the Dead went out of print and I lost my copy, my ex boyfriend crawled every bookstore and website he could find until he finally turned up a battered copy in a used bookstore in Holland. He gave me the best present I have ever recieved - that copy of Poems for the Dead, Still Dead (which I didn't know existed), and a signed copy of Jeffrey Dahmer vs Jesus Christ printed with Hart's blood. It was the most thoughtful present I have ever recieved. It showed how well he knew me. (I gave him signed Pantera CDs and a comic book on the career of Pantera.)

Opening up my inbox, I was like "oh god, another random email..." Emails from random guys are usually "ur so hot i want ur butthole" or "check out my crappy band." When I got to the end and saw "Hart D. Fisher", I started screaming. I got out my notebook and reread that poem I copied down. It's called 'Candyland' and its in Poems for the Dead.

I'm just... I dunno. Shocked. Stoked. Speechless. He's my actual, actual hero and changed the entire course of my life. That feels pretty fucking cool.

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Now I need to shower because I'm way late.

I've barely been online. My parents got here Saturday. By Sunday, my mom had hurt her back and we spent most of their visit going to and from the chiropractor and the hotel. It was a bummout. But walking around West Hollywood, which is the gay district, with my muslim father was a laugh riot.

I'm lucky to have my parents. My Dad, despite cultural differences, is really accepting and both my parents are eternally supportive. My best friend said he envied me for my parents and I agree. I envy myself. We fought A LOT when I was a kid but we came through it okay. They are the only family by blood I have. The rest of my family, well, they are my family by choice.

Some of my family is here now. Marshall and Dawn came down from SF to see me after Way Too Long. Jeffree missed Marshall by seven minutes. He left for the airport and Marshall arrived. After a nap, we began Goth Weekend 2007. Das Bunker tonight, VNV tomorrow, Puppy sunday...

I forgot I hate goth clubs.

There was a time when Blue, which is now Element, was home. And before that, my beloved, gutted Manray. There was a time when I loved this scene. But now, even though Bunker is playing more EBM and less shitty PowerNoise, this is not home. These people... I look around and see no familliar faces. No kindred. I don't know what I am. I was never fully goth or fully metal but now... now I really can't claim a piece of any subculture. I can't rep goth, despite my floor length lace...oh I like this song. Must dance.

Gave up after half a song... god, people here can't dance. Its no fun when every one just two steps. You'll never hear me say I'm the best at anything, but goddamnit, I can dance. Even in stilletto heels I've never worn before, I can dance cicles around... oh, thanks! Someone just came up and told me they think I'm a wonderful dancer! See? I have some talents. A big mouth and fast feet.

Oh, look, they lowered the light ring. It looks like a UFO built in the 1970s. Eric just joined us. He says this place looks like an AV banquet.

I feel like I've lost a home or maybe a part of myself. I used to love these clubs. Eric wants to jump someone and steal money for drinks. Now, I don't condone violence but with the recent spate of shootings and stabbing around LA clubs, maybe this is a new trend and we're being impolite by not mugging other patrons. Possibly, I'm out of touch. Possibly, I hate this shitty suicide commando song.

This is all just setup to capture the best thing that happened tonight. As we were walking out of my apartment, Marshall stopped dead and stared with a befuddled expression. "What?" I asked, wondering what he was looking at.

"Is... it that a Nimbus 2000?" he asked incredulously, jerking his head at my replica broom I won doing Harry Potter trivia at the last book release and had to pull out to sweep the kitchen since Jeffree and I don't own a real broom.

"Yes. Yes it is," I said.

"Oh. Wow, sucks that I know that," said he.

This amused me.

I think we're going to leave. We're all bummed on this joint. Maybe... maybe that is truly goth - being so depressed you have to jet.

It also must be noted, this club is in Compton. Here's hoping I don't get shot on the way back to my car. I always wanted to die with my boots on, but not these boots. I meant my Docs.

Here's hoping we all find home somehow.

I was going to write a really long, pointless blog about my weekend with lots of linkage to my friends bands for you to check out but half way through writing it, my computer had 'epic fail issues' as our tech put it and freaked out. Now I am only going to write a medium length pointless blog about my weekend with fewer links than originally anticipated. The point? Check out my friend's bands because they are reeeeeeeeally good. Case in point: Julien K.

Friday, Jeffree and I went to see Julien K . For some reason, I got it into my crazy head that they were John Lennon's son's crappy indie project and refused to listen to them. But I found out last week at the Lover's Revolt show that not only were they a reeeeeally good electroindustrial band but my good friend Bones is the drummer! I've been listening to the songs on their page all week so I was amped for the show.

I've been traveling so much so I haven't really had time to get out on the strip much. So it was good to run into old friends like Tara Ivy (who is in the new Manson video!) and Ron from Opiate For The Masses. Jeffree got to run into old friends too but I missed the name of their band and thus can't provide a link so poopie to that. But anyway, we all stood around and chatted until Julien K took the stage. Now, I knew that Ryan and Amir from Orgy were in the band but what I didn't know was the keyboardist was none other than my friend Brando. So, with 4 out of 4 of the dudes in the band being a friend on some level, I was majorly amped to watch them. They were REEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY good. Like, new favorite band, good.

After they were done, we all hung out together (and I got a disgustingly sweaty hug from Bones) to watch Horse the Band. This is one of Jeffree's favorite bands and, while that style of hardcore is not my jam, they put on a damn good show. They had giant trees as their back drop and a small forest of stuffed animals on stage with them. (My favorite was the fox on the keyboard.) And their in-between song banter was hilarious. "We're going to play another song now. There is an 80 percent chance it will be 'Jani's got a gun' by Aerosmith." (It wasn't.) there was even a dude in a bear costume.

However, during the madness, my friend Taylor from Triggerpoint called and pleaded with us to come hang out with him at the Viper Room. Now, the Viper Room ruled when it was co-owned by Johnny Depp but when it got taken away and the staff quit, it kind of floundered for a bit and everyone stopped going. I have been to the Viper maybe 3 times in the past 2 years and that was always to support friends. So we went and got shakes at Hustler (note: a Ron Jeremy with added coconut milk is the bomb shit) and met up with Taywal and his friends. We found out that Jeffree knows the door guy, who now does shows at the Viper, and the bar guy, who used to be in My Ruin. So we actually have a reason to go more now.

We were escorted inside and went to hang out in the tiny downstairs bar. And it was really fun! I happily shoved ice down Taylor's jeans, ruining his ability to mack girls for .02 seconds, then chatted nerd stuff with El when the rest of Triggerpoint arrived. Jeffree called Kat Von D, who has a new show that will air soon and a new tattoo shop in LA, to come hang out. I was a little nervous because I was once told what a raging bitch she was. But I learned that the people that think she is a bitch because they either a) don't understand a game face or b) are intimidated by her. She was soooooooo friendly and fun. We stayed at the Viper for a bit then walked into the Kat Club long enough for her to say hi to her friend who was bartending then we went and hung out at the Rainbow until it closed. I haven't been to the Bow in ages and I was swiftly engrossed in conversations with all my friends who hang out there. It was almost a relief to see everyone. I'd forgotten how long it had been.

We said our goodbyes and headed home for the night. I had to be up at the crack of noon to get down to the OC to help Eliza cut hair. And by "help", I mean stand there and hold the flat iron. But it was a lot of fun. She is REALLY good at what she does! She's fast and damn, she made some ladies look fiiiiiiiiiine as hell, boy! She is trying to talk me into dreading my hair. Meh. Maybe. The girls that came down were all fun but the best part was the Moms. There were two moms that came and they were both like hip and cool parents, you know? I love parents in general, especially the cool ones. So it was fun chatting with them.

Afterwards, we headed to the Secret Spot then walked on down to the beach to eat there. And if you haven't looked yet, go over to Eliza's buzznet and watch me attempting to drown myself. The water didn't look that deep but I was soaked up to my waist. I had to borrow PJs from Eliza to get home. I looked reeeeeeeally funny at the gas station, let me tell you.

Sunday, I spent the afternoon sort of cleaning and sort of doing laundry. I have to get the house presentable for when my parentals get here this weekend. (YAY!) Jeffree and I went out that night to meet up with Kat so she could do more ink on his arm. This weekend was my weekend to be impressed by the skills of all my friends. First Julien K, then E Cuts, now Kat. That girl is fucking GOOD, man! I mean, wow. Not only does her art look stunning, but she's FAST! She doesn't take breaks to smoke or chat on the phone or pee like some other tattoo artists. She works and she loves to do it. And I kinda shyly mentioned that I wanted her to do my sleeve and she was into it! Which stokes me out because she is one of the best artists working and I really love her vibe. The three of us talked like old friends, instead of awkward small talk, which is always what you want in a tattoo artist. And she's so rock and roll and in love with LA. Whatever misconceptions you may have got of her if you watched Miami Ink, remember that shit is edited to make it "interesting" at the expense of the people on it. Kat rules and you should watch her new show, for sure.

After we were done, we locked up the shop and ran into my other tattoo artist, Colin. He is the person who did my arm piece and the piece on the back of my neck. He works at The Shamrock Social Club so if you are ever looking for a really amazing tattoo artist, ask for Colin. Taylor met us outside and we all had a nice hang sesh at the Velvet Margarita. I'd never been in but now I'm going to go hang out more. Its huge and lovely on the inside. We stayed for drinks (sprite with cherries is my new beverage of choice) then Kat drove us back to my car.

So all in all, it was a rad weekend, filled with people doing stuff I can't do. I can't play guitar, I can't cut hair, and I can't tattoo. But I can write about it!

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I'm in a blogging mood today. Friday's are slow days in the industry. Even though we have a full house with artists (aka, all the rooms in the studio are working and the artist are here with their entourages instead of just the engineers like normal, plus label people here to listen to tracks), Friday's are still slow. Fridays are the days you call up your friends at labels and management companies, rental places and bands and just shoot the shit. You catch up on people's babies, their love lives, what their weekend plans are... and you do it because theey are your friends but you also do it looking for work. Everyone knows that. You're genuine friends but you also work together. If I put in a call to my friends over at Interscope, I'm doing it because they are my buddies. But while we're on the phone we also catch up on the projects we're working on together, future projects we might work on, and any projects past that still have open issues.

You go to shows to network. You go to shows to support your friends but that support isn't just standing there. Its watching the crowd and cataloging responses. Its bringing other people who might be able to help the band. Its sitting around at dinner after and discussing the show and the band's future and how we can all work together to advance them. You don't go to shows to relax anymore. I don't think I have anything that I do to relax. Even sitting at home watching TV, I'm on my laptop emailing people or texting people or calling my studio to ensure the night sessions are moving along. I get booking calls at 10pm. I get calls about sessions wanting to extend at 5am.

You discuss music constantly. I can't count the number of times we've talked about music today. Paris Hilton in jail? We talked about her album sales. Somehow talking about my new watch led into a conversation of disapointing sophmore album follow ups. Smoking a cigarette talking about weekend plans led to talk of friend's in band who want to hang out and how said bands don't have a single and how we'd write a single for said bands.

What was once your entertainment becomes your business. And you still enjoy it. You still love it. But you get jaded. You have to. Jamision is watching live Linkin Park... oh, now Nine Inch... oh no its Linkin Park covering Nine Inch Nails... anyway, LP live. And we're talking about how it was rerecorded and when you can here the autotune and how you can tell where they kept the live guitars. The mystery is gone but music still holds an allure to me. Its odd. 'The business of entertainment.' Is it an entertaining business? Lord only knows.

I love my job, my line of work, my industry. But its weird to take a step outside myself and realize there is never a day when I am not... I don't know. People tell me I'm all business and I know it. Maybe its just me. Maybe other people in my line of work aren't like this. But... they are. I mean, really. Its not like I initiate these conversations.

A man I used to work with by the name of Jay Baumgardner once said the wisest thing I may have ever heard - "The music industry is filled with people too smart and too motivated to do anything else." And its true. The people who excel are the people who always look for the challenge. Clive Davis is a multimillionaire and an old man. He could retire and live the rest of his days bathing in caviar, though he would smell very bad. But he keeps working because he loves it. He loves the challenge of making The Next Big Thing.

My best friend is annoyed with me. Weekends belong to him. We both have Monday-Friday jobs so the only time we can spend together is during the weekends. Last weekend, he was busy and we couldn't hang out. This weekend, I have shows I have to attend. I am going to support my friends' band because I love the band and I love the friends. But I am also going to network. I was specifically invited by the band to go and network. The text message? 'Maybe u can network a bit w us.' Shows become not optional. This is a lifestyle.

You have to blow off your friends a lot, industry and nonindustry alike. When you first start out, you don't have a set schedule. You are always on call, 24/7. I think there was one stretch were I worked 29 days in a row with now day off, 18 hours nights minimum. We were short staffed so I was setting up and breaking down one, two, or even all three rooms by myself. During those 29 days, there were several days back to back where I came in at 5pm and, at 2pm the next day, lay down on the floor of the tech shop to catch a nap before starting my shift at 5 again. I was like a ghost to my friends. I cancelled things en route to them because I got called in.

I really want you to understand how hard this business is. Every business is hard and you have to work to break in and work to advance. Hell, if you want to be a doctor you routinely work 40 hours straight with no sleep. But I don't think anyone thinks, despite all tales, that being a doctor is a fun, cool, and easy path to being rich and famous. There is a weird glamour that surrounds this industry and we make it that way. And it is glamorous but its tough. I wish I could get across to people how long and hard you have to work and have nothing or less than nothing to even begin to make it... and how easily you can lose it. This industry is SHAKY and big name cats lose their shirts on a daily basis.

If you want to do this, know your reasons. Know your motivations. Do it because you love music. And know that that love will be tempered and tested until its almost an abstract... or maybe pragmatic. Either or. If music is your solace and your sanctuary, know that you will lose that. It will never be yours ever again. It will never be a comfort the way it is to you now. You will never be able to go to a show and cut loose ever again. Know that, with certainty, the way you appreciate music will be forever lost to you. In return, you will gain the ability to be a part of music you desperately love (and sometimes loathe). You will be able to slightly sway the tides and, if you have perfect timing, help a band that you love (and sometimes loathe) make its mark a little (and sometimes a lot) higher.

Why do bands that make it big get so bitter? Because from the ground floor, being huge looks awesome and the problems that you have look petty. But when you're there and there your problems... well, no problem you have ever seems petty to yourself. I'm not bitter. But I'm realizing  I am little jaded and that goes with the territory.

I'm also realizing that I've made all my phone calls, made sure my producers and staff are set and its time to go home.

End stream of consciousness.

- E

Author's note: I swear. Deal.

Good afternoon, MSNBC. I tuned into your programing during my lunch to see what was going on in the world. I was hoping to hear about the shuttle launch or Bush's impending veto attempt for stem cell research. I was expecting you to cover nothing of substance and babble about Paris Hilton and, lo, I was not disapointed. However, I was APPALLED when I heard one of your anchors say "and at 9 PM eastern time tonight, our general manager will be doing a special on Paris Hilton. Dan has some very strong opinions on this issue and he won't be afraid to tell you them tonight at 9."

FUCK.

YOU.

YOU ARE A NEWS ORGANIZATION!!!! You are supposed to be giving facts NOT OPINIONS. If I wanted fucking opinion, I would put on ANY OTHER CHANNEL BUT THE NEWS!!!!!

I hate, hate, HATE infotainment. Hate it. HATE.

In other news, I have exactly a week left as a studio manager. This is not at all frightening or unsettling in any way and I do not strongly suspect that I might lose my lunch because I'm so nervous as to what is going on.

Gonna go scream at a few record labels until I feel better. Sorry, A&R department, but you must bare the brunt of my wrath over MSNBC and their inability to run a real fucking news story.

Remembering to cutely sign my name,
    Miss E

Flying over Hollywood right now are 8 newschoppers and a plane with the banner 'WE LUV U PARIS!' trailing behind it. When we're having an oil crisis and our planet is in environmental ruin, do we REALLY need any of this?

I need new music so I am going to post 5 bands I think you may not of heard of. You post and tell me a band or 5 bands you think I should check out. Ready?

Julien K
Lover's Revolt
Wired All Wrong
godHEAD
Over It

Your turn!