The Miss E Of Worlds Most Hated (E's for Eerie, not Elated)

Please be aware that I include spoilers about the contents of this documentary. However, I do not reveal very much and it is all information YOU NEED TO KNOW!

Transformers, a new documentary film by director Michael Bay, offers a compelling and hard hitting look into the robot menace our government is trying to keep from us. Michael is best known for his earlier documentary works; The Rock (about prison jailbreaks) and Bad Boys 1 and 2 (about police brutality and ineptitude). His new piece of work eclipses even those bold pictures.

Several thousand years ago, several pieces of alien technology from the planet Cybertron crash-landed in the Artic circle. These items were uncovered by an exploratory team during the Hoover administration and then covered up by our very government. The Hoover dam was built to keep these items a secret – from other governments and especially from the very aliens that created this technology. However, the aliens have discovered the whereabouts of their items and Michael Bay has discovered the existence of this whole conspiracy! In his film (in theaters now), he offers a direct look at these creatures and the shadowy government group, Sector Seven, that is charged with hiding them from the public.

According to the film, these robots can copy the forms of human machines and thus may be hiding in plain sight. The film’s motto – More Than Meets The Eye – is a chilling reminder that the very laptop I am writing this on may be plotting to overthrow, enslave, or even decimate the human race. Examine your machines carefully. If they begin acting strange – playing apropos songs during pivotal moments, relocating around your house with no apparent help, destroying other robots in their vicinity, or terminating your pooch for peeing on them – react accordingly. Identifying early signs of the robot uprising could save you and your loved ones.

Transformers follows several key characters through the film. Through the eyes of Captain Lennox, we see the deadly military ability that these creatures wield. The US government allowed Michael Bay’s cameras inside US Airforce bases in Qatar and, a first in cinema history, deep inside the strategy center of the Pentagon. There, audiences encounter Maggie Madsen, an Australian and recent graduate who has been drafted by the US government to help with a series of hackings into our government’s top secret computer network. This is where the film truly gets scary. The firepower these machines wield is nothing compared to their abilities when it comes to manipulating other computer systems. Like its sister documentary, Independence Day, this movie clearly shows that aliens have all installed Windows AND Macintosh operating systems on their spaceships and are clearly working out how to install those pesky shell scripts and configure their systems for Linux as well. (Good to know that even robot aliens can’t easily configure Linux!) In a chilling sequence, all of Earth’s communications were taken offline by the alien menace. I, myself, experienced this phenomenon going to Buzznet one afternoon. I saw the black screen with the white text – Buzznet will be back shortly – and knew the alien invasion had begun!

But nothing was more disturbing then the horrible tale of Sam Witwicky. He was deceived by these robots and tricked into buying his first “car”. Instead of owning what he hoped would be a rolling lair to de-virginize local school girls, he instead found himself in the clutches of the robot menace! But when Sam, an upstanding American citizen of strong moral character alerted authorities to his (and our) crisis, was there a swift response to defend our nation? No! Instead, authorities bungled and mishandled the information, causing them to make a series of misguided arrests including Sam himself, as well as his family and even their dog. The government raided the Witwicky home, causing thousands of dollars in damages, then proceeded to break every rule of proper conduct by taking the Witwickys to a secret base without trial or attorney counsel! Is the right to habeas corpus nonexistent?

The government operatives in question, the mysterious ‘Sector Seven’, operate above the law and independent of the Justice Department. There are no checks on their power and the very existence of this branch of government is an affront to the very values this country was founded upon! We function on a system of checks and balances. No governmental body is above the law – yet Sector Seven has the authority to kidnap and torture innocent civilians in the name of our great country!

But even the humanitarian outrages of our government that are brought to light in this documentary do not touch the sheer horror audiences feel upon seeing the alien technology in use. Michael Bay’s cameras have the fortune to capture several battles between the US military and the alien forces. Though we seem to have found ways to destroy the robots, their defenses are strong and a true show of force by these robots may well overwhelm our military. We are already stretched thin with our engagement in the Middle East. Are we truly prepared to face the mounting Cybertronian threat?

I encouraged everyone to see this chilling documentary. We must all educate ourselves and insist that our government take this information seriously. Programs must be created to educate the public about how to cope with invasion by alien forces. Critical procedures like hotwiring your computer monitor to a short wave radio and using the contraption to broadcast morse code through the 4 foot thick walls of the Hoover Dam on a secure government channel to authorize airstrikes as necessary MUST be taught in American schools! Also, every American should be equipped with EMPs (electromagnetic pulse weapons which neutralize all electronics within its area of effect) which, for some illogical reason, the US military didn’t think of using and instead emptied countless rounds of bullets to little effect into each robot. Though the website affiliated with the film offers little in ways of dealing with the robot menace, I would urge each of you to see the film then write to your Congressmen as well as the President, Vice President, Secretary of Defense, and any media persons you think may broadcast about the contents of this film. Truly, Transformers may prove to be the most important documentary of our time and director Michael Bay should be applauded for his brave, brave picture!

Hopefully, in this upcoming week, I will have the opportunity to see the new comedy by Michael Moore entitled Sicko about a fictional country in which no one had proper health care and large corporations were allowed by the government to profit of the suffering of its populace. Its sure to be a laugh riot!